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Date: Monday, February 14, 19100 at 03:40:40
Once I ate my neighbors poo.
I deleted most of the crap from the guestbook - It gets a bit boring to read 200k of abusive drivel so don't waste your time adding it because I will just kill it. So there!
Dear Lawrie, I sympathise with your predicament - look at me, when I was last on Earth everywhere I went I was followed around by twelve pillocks who were always going on about fishing or sheep, and wanting me to tell them funny stories. Whenever we went anywhere they would never bring any lunch, expecting me to provide it all like I'm a miracle worker or something. Matthew and Luke kept disappearing behind the bushes every five minutes and giggling a lot. The only one with any get-up-and-go was Judas who was always coming up with ideas on how he could become rich. Anyway after a while I began to realise that having a brain dead posse could be an asset. If I wanted to ransack a church and beat up a few money lenders these were the boys to do it. (Except Matthew and Luke of course who just limply slapped people). Also you find they are the good basis for a MLM scam, you already have your twelve downline see ! So I wrote this pamphlet and started selling it. It did OK till Mark and John decided everyone should add their own chapter and it became very dis-jointed. Anyway the point is if you are surrounded by pillocks use them to your advantage. Alternatively if you are American go buy an assault rifle and shoot your collegues. Remember to tell them I told you to do it and you will get let off.
Dear Jesus... I wonder if you could help me? I think that a lot of the people I associate with and work with are pillocks, who really need exterminating for their own good. It is getting harder and harder to start treating them as though they have a right to waste oxygen. What should I do?
As the Messiah I'm often asked "Why should I beleive in you ?" I often reply with this parable. Once there was a man who had walked many miles and came to a river. There was a ricketty old bridge which was the only means of crossing the river. The man shouted across to the bridge keeper on the other side of the river "Is this bridge safe for me to cross ?" The old man on the other side shouted back "Yes my Son". So he began to cross the bridge. Half-way across the bridge began to sway and make odd creaking noises. The man became scared and shouted to the old man again "Are you sure this bridge is safe ?". The old man said "Yes my son". but the man didn't believe him and shouted back "I do not believe you old man, this bridge is not safe, you a a liar old man". With that the old man began shaking the bridge until the man feel in the river, drowned and got carried away. So you see what happened to him because he didn't beleive. Erm, that's it. Don't you get it ? Perhaps I should out some sheep in the parable, but then you'd confuse it with the parable of the 500 sheep.
Erm, nice parables, Jesus - I like to see you are moving with the times!
Here is another parable. Once there was a man with an Ostrich, which was very unusual in Jerusalem at this time, indeed it was the only Ostrich in Jerusalem at this time. The man decided he was going to make a fortune selling Ostrich meat and employed market research consultants and advertising executives to devise a clever advertising campaign for Ostrich meat. The day came to slaughter the Ostrich and sell it. The Ostrich meat was very popular and sold well, but then people wanted more Ostrich meat. The man explained he only had one Ostrich and it was all gone. The people became angry and one of them shouted "You stupid bastard you should have got a male and female Ostrich, waited for them to mate, build up a herd of Ostriches and then sell them for meat leaving an abundant supply for future re-production". "Oh yes" said the man "I never thought of that" the meaning of the parable is don't go off with a half-arsed idea, think about it first.
Here is another parable, (Matthew are you writing these down girl?) Once there was a man with a goat. It went clip-cloppetty everywhere which anoyed the man and the goat vendor had not pointed out how much noise the sound of goat hoofs on stone made. So one day he decided to cut the feet off his goat. After the wounds healed the goat walked around on his stubs and was OK. This kind of animal cruelty was OK back in my day, c'mon at least we didn't shoot people. Anyway I'm going off at a tangent (they didn't exist either). Anyway along comes a second man who is so poor he picks up the four discarded goat feet to eat later. At the market a man offers to swap the goat feet he has for a Jerusalem lottery ticket. The man agreed and handed over his money to the Camel-lot vendor. Anyway come Saturday night the man strikes jackpot on the Jerusalem lottery and wins several million sheckles, which was a lot of money back then. He lived happily ever after while the goat owner didn't. The moral of the story is if you cut off the feet from your goat don't throw them away as they might be lucky goat feet.
Pleas this is am being the first time i am in the english writing. my moother is a hors and my carter is a cow. yes to please, me want social security.
To all you dim-witted Americans. Sentences begin with a capital letter and end with a full stop. Except for the first letter of a pro-noun such as Peter or I all the other letters are in lower case. It really is very easy and when we had an Empire we British even got the baboons and chimps to follow these basic rules, so could you all make more of an effort please.
Once there was a man who had two sheep and two sons. On their 18th birthdays (did I mention they were twins and therefore had their birthdays on the same day) the man decided to make a gift of one sheep to each son. A few weeks later the man stopped by his sons to enquire how their respective sheep were. The first son said that he had buggered his sheep and then got peckish and ate it, therefore his sheep was no more. Then he went to his second son and enquired about his sheep. "Look father" he said "I have built a pen for my sheep, I have fed it on the finest Alfalfa bean sprouts and he is visited weekly by a vetinarian". "Well done" said the father. "but your brother has eaten his sheep so I want you to cut yours in half and share it". "But" protested his son "then both sheep will be dead due to the stupidity of my brother". "yes" said the father. "But I am your father and you must choose whether to pamper your sheep or obey me" With that the second son cut his sheep in half and gladly gave it to his brother. His father was rather sad that his second son was just as stupid as the first and went for a very long walk in the desert.
deal with death for its coming soon
Live long and prosper..............I HOPE!
oookaaaaaay. i'm not nasty like the others. i am nice and sweet!!!!
I love killing
I MISS MY BOYFRIEND I NEED SOME SEXS
I like to masturbate
Good page. Mail me on firstname.lastname@example.org
the 3 things women are put on this world are too 1.suck it 2.clean the house and make food and 3.too sleep with other men too make some money so we can go out drinking
It's a little hard to think of anything when I'm following Jesus Christ in this guestbook. Amen? Peace be with you? Uhhhhh...?
Now stop this, stop this at once. Casual sexual encounters are really very bad and will result in eternal damnation for you all. Do you people not read your Bibles ? I can see that my second coming is long overdue.
Dead girls don't say no !
Hello Jesus Christ here again. A lot of people ask me where I have been for the last 2000 years and what I have been doing. Well believe me in this Universe there is plenty to do. After Dad (that's God to you) built the Earth and humans in own image etc. he decided to build another planet with people in the image of rocks. That's the planet Zussitheb - you won't have heard of it you guys havn't done Interplantary travel yet, which incidently you are perfectly free to do. God doesn't mind you tearing up and down the Universe in your spacecraft - so long as you don't do it on a Sunday obviously - eternal suffering and damnation for that one. Anyway yes, the planet Zussitheb is quite a relaxing way to spend a couple of thousand years. The people all look like rocks so they havn't had much success in evolving into walking talking animals so it's pretty peacefull. Oh and of course without any hands they can't nail me up to anything - ha ha. I was going to write an autobiography of my time on Earth but I thought the disciples did a pretty good job between them so why overcrowd the market. Some religions have multiple Holy works but you will find the most successful ones only have one big book. I'll tell you when L. Ron Hubbard died and came up to Heaven he spent hours arguing with Dad that he should have a whole series of Bibles in paperback, but no Dad is rather stuck in his ways so it's one Bible.
Hello I'm Jesus Christ. You may remember me from such miracles as the feeding of the 5000 and walking on water. Well the time is fast approaching for my second coming and I have decided to use this message board as my vehicle. I know the Bible makes the plan for my second coming all very theatrical but we (me Dad and the Holy Ghost) frankly couldn't be arsed with all that seven horses stuff, plus the last time I appeared in physical form I got crucified remember and I'll be damned if I'm going through that again. So stay tuned to this bulletin board and the National Enquirer etc. for further details. I may also make brief appearances to some simple country folk, and you may see my image appear in sheets of glass, potato chips, various vegetables etc So keep your eyes open it's eternal damnation for anyone that eats a Holy artifact.
I am hearing you are being rude so Leo meine Grandsonn. I vill come to UKnet and thump you much wiv meine apfel strudlle cake which is famous in all of Deutschland.
Oh Micky you're so fine, your so fine you blow my mind, hey Micky.
You have been very rude to me. I do not have a rodent face. Eric the Dwarf is nowhere near as pretty as me. I would like to see him stand on the bow of the Titanic and yell "I'm the King of the World" for 23 takes in a row. I think either he would fall in, or the ship would keel over at that point and the film would only be 15 minutes long. Love Leo.
Only the ___________________________!
need more tits
What am I doing here?
And, the second too!
Coo, how comes I always get the first entry in on these guestbooks!